I am behind on my writing by a day. Not horribly behind, but behind nevertheless. It was my goal to catch up today by doing two separate writing sessions, one in the morning and one at my usual time after the kids were in bed. For some reason, I forgot I am a mom of two toddlers who instinctively know when mommy has a deadline and have their timer set to go off at "naughty" at just the right moment. During my scheduled writing time, we had a bit of a naptime rebelion. When the skirmish was ended and the smoke cleared, the wee ones were sleeping...but I was wiped out and passed out on the couch.

When I woke up, Tadd announced he needed to run some errands that he wanted to get taken care of before the predicted snow storm came in time for tomorrow's commute. Right after he left, the kids woke up so I went to changed them and give them something to eat. Somehow, Peanut's diaper had managed to loosed and slip down his pant leg, thereby leaving him uncovered and soaking wet. Got him clean and dry, while Pumpkin chattered the entire time. "Mommy, I no lose my diaper. Mommy, I not wet. Mommy, I sit on potty. Mommy, I hungry. You hungry? Mommy, whatchu doing? Mommy, I want that. Mommy. Mommy."

The chattered continued as I got Pumpkin changed in to her playclothes. She almost lost her mind because the snap on her pants wasn't working properly. I told her it was broken, but she would be ok with having it left open since we were just hanging around (and because mommy NEEDED to do laundry and she and her brother were wearing the last pairs of clean pants.) Her need for order kicked in and she became whining and obsessed over the snap on her pants. (I am pretty sure she is an ENTP, for those out there familiar with Myers-Briggs. She is outgoing and sociable and loves to please, but when she is sure something is supposed to be a certain way, she becomes fixated and frustrated.)

We finally got them both down to the table with clean hands. I served them up plates of food...delicious mahi mahi burgers with homemade aioli, broccoli and, to encourage them to eat, pineapples for when the were through. There was some eating, but mostly playing...painting with the aioli, putting broccoli in cups. I noticed Peanut's mouth was still full. He is old enough to eat most foods properly but sometimes, just to be mischievous, he will hold food in his mouth like a chipmunk. "Chew and swallow, sweetie," I reminded him. Usually, that's all that needs to be said and he chews up the food and it all gets to his stomach with no incident. That was not to be today. Instead, he shoved a bit more into his mouth until he finally triggered our good old buddy, the gag reflex.

I will spare you the gory details and leave it to say it was not pretty.And it was all over the place. And those last pair of pants? Umm, yeah, he spend the rest of the evening hanging out in his diaper and a pair of dinosaur slippers. I gave up on my children getting any real nutrition and excused them from the table while I cleaned up the grossness.

There were some more squabbles over toys, some tantrums, and some whining before Tadd came home. My planned writing session turned into a distant, foggy memory of a person I confused myself with. After dinner, putting the kids down, walking the dog, cleaning the kitchen, answering work email, and taking down holiday decorations, I finally got to writing three pages. The story is coming along nicely and taking some interesting turns. I need to research legendary references alluding to fires in the sky not related to dragons or lightening. But that will need to be a project for tomorrow at some point when we are all snowed in. I might be kidding myself, though, since I will most likely be juggling work with entertaining two keyed up children while trying to combat cabin fever.

I am discovering interesting perks about this new Paleo diet shift. I spend most of today eating well and with a noticeable change in how I feel. I really just felt GOOD. Not like wanting to run around like a maniac tapping dancing in the streets or anything like that, but an overpowering sense of contentment and balance in my whole body. I didn't realize how truly exhausted and anxious I really am from day to day until I wasn't. And in this state, I can see very marked differences in how different foods affect me. I had two cups of coffee today. One cup I made myself this morning: a large travel mug of Ethiopian coffee beans using a french press with some almond milk and honey added. I did have some hand shaking from that cup and I wished I could go outside and run off the extra burst of energy instead of forcing myself to keep it contained since I was in a team meeting. I still felt great, though, and my concentration levels were high.

Fast forward to later this afternoon. I met a friend for coffee at Starbucks. I was going to get tea, but I was curious what my usual no-fat caramel macchiato coffee would do to me. I was fine for a while...until after I got the kids to bed and started to do the things I planned for the evening. I was irritable. And aggravated. My mind kept racing about all the things I wanted to do to the point I was overwhelmed with where to start. And once I did finally start, Tadd kept trying to ask me questions and engage me in conversation, which annoyed me. REALLY annoyed me. Next thing I knew it was after 10 and I still hadn't written or worked on any of the wonderfully creative and relaxing things I planned to do before I was scheduled to go to bed by 10:30. The delicious feeling of balance is now replaced with my "normal" state of anxiety and being on edge. I could barely get through my writing pages (I eked something out though) and at one point, the idea flow abruptly turned off.

So, that officially takes fancy frou-frou coffee drinks off the list. Good riddance. I want the feel good state to come back. Tomorrow it is right back to meat and vegetables and fruit and herbal tea. I am scheduled to meet up with people for some exercise bright and early, which hopefully will help (if I don't feel totally wrecked when I wake up and it isn't snowing.) As long as all the not-good-for-me food keeps screwing with me, staying on this diet will be real easy!!

It really feels like the stars are aligned today. Not that anything really out of the ordinary happened, honestly. I just have a general sense of things are good and everything is going to be ok. I am having opportunties presented to me for a number of things I've asked for and longed for. I do acknowledge that things might not be any  better than at other points in my life but that last year was just so horrendously awful that the smallest improvement feels like a monsoon of relief.

Whatever the reason, it feels good. Really, really good. Which leads me to believe that the decisions I had to make recently, especially some of the hard ones, were the right ones. Thank goodness, because I ruffled quite a few feathers of people that weren't fans of those decisions. It would have sucked to have gone through all that angst for nothing.

One thing that happened: I had to do a ton of work, and though I was mentally exhausted, I still like my job. That is a big deal to like the work that pays you and something rather foreign to me.

Second thing: I love my kids. I just do. They are awesome. I am so fortunate to be their mommy. Both of them were having these really intense conversations with me about what games they played today, whether or not they wanted me to read the lion and bunnies book (aka Tawny Scrawny Lion) or Tootle, and the concept that boys have penises and girls have vaginas, which of course includes them listing every boy and girl they've ever met and try to logically discern which bits those people have. (I have been told this is perfectly normal for their ages, so I try to refrain from giggling and to act like this is a perfectly normal conversation that I have all the time.)

Third thing: My husband actually did something really cool to support my theatre work. Also, a very big deal in our relationship. I am working on auditioning for some musicals (though I am so incredibly insecure about my singing). Not only did he take the time to transpose a song in a new key for me, he created a version with the vocal part and one with just piano, so I can rehearse as often as I'd like without someone to accompany me. It is pretty awesome and it was very special to me.

Fourth thing: I discovered people actually read this blog. And that they read it before my hiatus, too. Another actress who recently adopted a child told me that reading my blog got her through the process. That seriously made me cry. I strive to be a person who inspires people. Fame is nice and all, but unless my efforts are encouraging other people to do awesome things it is worthless. I can't wait to meet her baby!

Fifth thing: I am really digging the Paleo diet. No major weight loss yet, but no weight gain and I feel awesome. I also got an invitation to join a fitness boot camp that I am thinking about joining. Debating, but I am grateful for the opportunity

Sixth thing: I wrote my three pages AND a scene in a play I've been working on. It is my first original full-length play so we'll see what comes of it.

Seventh thing: Had a great meeting and some emails with folks in different theatre companies to see if I would be interested in working with them. It feels good to know I am not being kicked to the curb and people still want to work with me.

So, all in all, many good things. While I know that both good and bad times come and go, it's nice to appreciate what you've got.

It never ceases to amaze me how many times I jump through hoops for projects involving other people that I don't want to "let down" and how rarely I do that for myself. I am obviously getting better at it, though. Though I am exhausted and I should be sleeping, I forced myself to stay up and write my 3 pages. Ok, to be fair, it is at about 2.5 right now, but I wanted to get this post in before midnight. And I am probably going to skip the scene writing (though I DID find a really awesome sounding play concept that I can start writing on, so I did not totally forsake scriptwriting) I am giving myself a break on that, but the important part is I did it. I could have blown it off, but it is pretty insane to blow off myself. I mean, I have to live with myself everyday, right? Why would I be so worried about disappointing some other person but not worry about disappointing myself? Now I don't have to...I wrote and I'm proud.
Bonus: I added a really, REALLY intense scene that took my novel in a new direction. Hold on to something, I might have a real plot brewing!

It has been over a year since my last post. I've meant to blog. Truly, I did. But, I just didn't. (Facebook didn't help either.) I don't want to make excuses, but I do want to make some changes, which means more doing the things I love and less time explaining myself.

One of the things I love is to  write. I miss it. So, I am taking up a new challenge to jump start my writing. I am signing up for ROW80 (Round of Words in 80 days). I'm a day late, but seeing how I haven't writing on my own blog in a year, I think I can let a day slide without beating myself up too much!

Here is my personal challenge that I am committing to: I will write 3 pages daily of a novel and one page (or one scene, depending on how the flow is for the day) of playwriting. That will mean I should have a sizable amount for a new novel and a new batch of plays.
 
There it is, folks. I'm back to writing, back to getting it together (and back to more funny stories in between.)

We are all still alive. Just tired. Well, mostly I'm tired. Scientists are still trying to figure out exactly how the Screaming Teenies synthesize their energy. Maybe they are solar powered? Or perhaps they have a way to harness the mysterious power of giggles?

My friend is working on her photography business so it was a great excuse to take some wonderfully adorable pictures. Enjoy!

http://tishmackay.zenfolio.com/p134576860

If you are local, please book her and get some cute pictures of your babies too!

One more thing...Antony & Cleopatra opens next week! Go to www.shakescar.org for info and tickets.

Because I simply do not have enough to do in my life (I know, I'm laughing, too!) I continue to do theater. Is it hard to do with two children. Unquestionably. Could I use the time to do other important things, like clean my house and sleep. Certainly. Is it worth doing despite these things? Absolutely!

I've been in rehearsals for the Bard's Antony and Cleopatra produced by Shakespeare Carolina. I am taking on the role of the magnificent Cleopatra. This is a play that isn't done as often as the others (the level of pageantry scares companies off, I think, not to mention the numerous location changes between Rome to Egypt) but I believe it has some of the most beautiful and moving words that Shakespeare ever put to paper. I consider this one of the most challenging and fulfilling roles I've ever done.

The cast is beyond amazing. We have actors with all levels of experience on this production, from professionals to academics to returning from over decade hiatus to never set foot on a stage. And it just works! It isn't quite like a machine because we don;t move in forced rigid formation. We subtlety work off of each other every rehearsal in a lovely dance of words, motion, and feelings. And lots and lots of laughter.

Yes, I get mother's guilt that I am not tucking my kids in bed every night or that I need to hire a babysitter to cover those few hours when Tadd has a gig and I have rehearsal. At the same time, it feels good to have a break once in a while and to work with adults. I know after coming home from rehearsal, I feel a little more able to deal with what comes my way.

If anyone is interested, tickets for the show are now available online.  http://www.carolinatix.org/default.asp?tix=59&objId=1385

The past two days were better...not the greatest, but better. I've tried some new stuff to deal with the tantrums. It all started when I found out that our daycare started putting on little guy on the potty! GASP!! I couldn't believe it. I wasn't expecting it at all. It isn't a set schedule or a big deal, but they try to get the older kids in the class used to the potty before they move to the two-year-old class.

This was an eye-opener for me because I realized my dear sweet baby boy will be a two-year-old in a mere four months!! Where did the time go? Better yet, WHERE DID MY BABY GO??!! Then, it hit me that our one year famiversary will be in three months!! (Two if you count it as the day we became parents legally.) I cannot believe it. They were just little itty bitty babies and now they are toddlers...practically big kids!!! 

For the record, the idea of potty training children has been an irrational fear of mine for a while. Everything I read sounded confusing. And all these people that are selling programs on how to potty train. Which just made me anxious. I mean, am I going to have to hire a professional for this? For something me, my spouse, and all our friends (as far as I know) do everyday? And what about the inevitable...um...accidents? Are we going to need to start carrying heavy duty cleaners everywhere to take care of piles of waste? My husband has difficulty with that level of mess. I had a tough enough time housebreaking our dogs let alone trying to figure out the mysteries of the human gastrointestinal system. Of small humans that do not speak but like to scream.

However, I went to the store clutching my purse and hyperventilating as I ventured to the potty aisle. It was the same level of fear and anxiety I had when I first entered the new terrain of the the baby aisle over a year ago. I was really traumatized by the whole thing. Five different types of potty chairs?! Special wipes? Was toilet paper not ok? Then there were the potty seats that you add to the regular toilet. Why weren't there any plain ones? Did I really need one covered in animated movie princesses?

To add insult to injury, I tried to buy some big kid underpants as well. The smallest size available was 2T...which is still too big for Peanut at this point. That is part of my denial. He just looks too small to be almost two!

Bottom line is that I need to get over myself and start going with the flow. This is part of the package I signed up for as a parent. Your kids don't stay babies forever. Today potties, tomorrow driving, two weeks from now marriage. Peanut is throwing tantrums because, well, that's what toddlers do. He wants to start being a big kid and doing more stuff on his own. And I was still treating him, in some ways, like he was still a baby. He is still MY baby, but he is growing up.

I referred to one of my favorite parenting books by Tracy Hogg. (I really like most of the Baby Whisperer techniques) I read her book on toddlers a while ago, but, once again, I needed a reminder. We changed some of our routines to help Peanut be able to do more on his own. We spend more time making transitions. Like in the morning, I pulled out two shirts and let him pick the one he wanted to wear (notice he doesn't get to choose whether or not he will wear a shirt, just which one). I asked him which he wanted to put on first, his shirt or his shorts. Then we moved to a new diaper. Of course, it was easier since I let him sit on his new potty first so he was most of the way there with getting the diaper on. At dinner, he threw and tantrum and he was removed from the table until he calmed down. And he did not throw one during the meal that followed. This evening at dinner, he maneuvred his spoon to scoop food into his mouth all by himself. And he actually got most of it in there, too. Before bed, I give him things to put away to help clean up. All in all, there were way more smiles and far fewer tears. Except from me, maybe. *sigh*

Oh, and you will be proud to know (or maybe you won't, but whatever) there were two...count em, folks! TWO...successful potty moments.

I pray we remember all of this in a few months when we get to do it all over again for Pumpkin.

                                    



                                            

Ah, how quickly they grow. One day, your kids are rolling over and learning to clap their hands. The next day, they are screaming and kicking their way through tantrums at least three times a day. That's right, I've got toddlers. Hoo-ray.

I am trying very hard to be patient. No small feat with a wee person with surprising strength grabbing at everything and screaming. And when Peanut screams, it is like he auditioning to be a horror movie extra.

I was always taught to ignore tantrums and they will pass. Obviously, this advice was for kids with less stamina.  The longer my boy screams, the longer (and louder) he will continue to scream. Some of it might be related to his hard beginnings, so I want to tread very , very carefully. But I also don't want to automatically give in to his angry rants just to keep him quiet. giving. It might seem like a quick solution, but I've seen plenty of older kids and teens with parents that did the same thing with very undesirable results. It is a tricky balancing act.

The good news is that he is an all-around happy and lovable kid. Yes, he can be whiny, but people love to have him around. Sometimes, I wonder if he saves this "special" behavior just for me...fortunately, Tadd's had some of it too, so my ego is preserved.

I listened to an on-line lecture delivered by Karyn Purvis, the author of The Connected Child. I read the book while we were waiting.(http://vimeo.com/4013209) but I really needed to get a reminder. In fact, I recommend that families take notes on material you read while you wait...you might need a refresher once the theories get put into practice.

I think I've got an idea when the tantrums come.
-If we wait too long to come to the room when he wakes from sleep. Even if we just come in the room and talk to him while he stays in his crib, that is acceptable. We just can't dawdle once he is awake.

-Diaper changes. When the diaper needs changing, he doesn't like to stop whatever he is doing. Therefore, he lets us know that he is not happy about it. Which is a bummer since he is not quite ready for potty training. These are the most frustrating tantrums right now since I am focusing on not getting peed on while focusing on being calm.
 
-Bedtime taking too long. He is tired. We are coming to the end of dinner. He has decided he is over it and wants down. NOW!!!

-Anytime he is angry about something. Nuff said.

We discover new ones every day. Some I can figure out, but some I cannot. Like the other night. Everything was going hunky-dory during bathtime when all of a sudden...WAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!! We still aren't sure what was up with that. We just dried him off, put on his pj's and cuddled him. Which, I suppose, is all we can do sometimes.

And it isn't all a struggle I swear! Take a look at this video of my little munchkins just being supa cute!
http://www.vimeo.com/4837880

And enjoy some sweet pictures in the back yard. 

Princess Pumpkin prefers a big girl chair to the small chairs the peasants use.

        

And her brother, Prince Peanut, thought it was a good idea, too

                                            

It has been way too long, people. Did you miss us all? We missed you! April was a whirlwind of constant travel, hence the absense of blog entries. The best advice I can give about traveling with two small children? Stay home instead.

                                                                    

Today was my very first Mother's Day! WOOT WOOT! It is strange to be able to add a new holiday to your calendar. I got flowers and cards kissed by my beautiful children. We went to a brunch buffet at a nice restaurant up the street and the kids had a blast. Now that they are walking, they garner even more attention than before. Just wait till they start talking...We won't be able to go anywhere without a crowd!

We went to services this morning after our month long hiatus. (Did I mention the crazy travel?) The rector gave a lovely prayer in honor of mother's day. I wish I could remember it all, but I'll try to give the gist:

To all our mothers

To the mothers of our children

To those desperate to become mothers

And those who the journey towards motherhood seems so far away

To those mothers unable to care for their children

And those mothers unwilling

And to those mothers who welcome children in their arms and hearts

To spiritual mothers that love us

And mothers that join families in different ways

To mothers, grandmothers, birth mothers, adoptive mothers, godmothers, stepmothers...to all types of mothers

May the blessings of God find you this day as we celebrate you and what you mean to all of us!