So we hit a bump in the road. Or maybe it is a detour? I don't know what to call it, but it is slowing things up. I heard from our agency rep that the two boys she mentioned to us turned out to be not available. We didn't get the details as to why quite yet but she will fill us in. I got the news on Thursday evening. Fortunately, I have been up to my eyeballs working on an off-site for over eighty people this week so I had plenty of things to do to occupy my thoughts. Now that the weekend is here and the event is over, I can sit and do some processing.

I am feeling a bunch of things right now. Disappointment, mostly. I thought we were so close to having a referral in hand and at least an idea of what our family will look like. There isn't really a huge amount of sadness. That could be due to one of two things. It may come from a trust in God during this process. After all, we do not yet know the full story and we didn't have much to connect us to those children to begin with, just a hope. On the other hand, I fear the lack of sadness comes from growing accustomed to "early loss". This would be the third time that we had an early hope that just didn't work out. Each one occurred just when I was about to get something tangible to hold on to. A picture, an ultrasound, a face, something...In theater, we call it "emotional calluses". It is when you go back to the same experiences in your life so many times that you become slightly numb to them. Not so great for acting and worse for being a human being. It is better to check-in with how you feel in the moment to keep your feelings authentic. So right now, I am disappointed.

There is some hope in there, though. I'm not quite ready to give up my title of Optimist. Our dossier is in Washington DC where it will then go to Ethiopia. That's a good thing. Plus, I'm kind of hoping for biological siblings. Don't get me wrong...I'm open to anything. But I always liked the idea of keeping a family together if we could. Also, since we are being so flexible, there is a good chance that our children will be available quickly.

But I have to make a confession...It is hard to be an optimist. I would much rather hide away and just say "Forget it." It is hard (as someone who tends to spend too much time worrying about what other people think) to stand up and say, "I still have hope" to people when you don't have anything to prove yourself with. For example, I had someone outright say they didn't believe my children were coming until they saw them. Ouch! Or how about the people who hint, “You know, there are children available in the US. Maybe this is a sign to re-consider." And the ever classic, "Well, are you two still trying to get pregnant?"

A wonderful woman at our church is hosting a baby shower for me and I am getting a LOT of pushback from people that I should wait. "It is too soon", they say. "You don't know what stuff you'll need! People won't know what to shop for! Maybe you should just wait until you get home with them." Well, I made the decision to go through with the shower anyway. You see, I don't see it as an opportunity to get stuff from people. A shower is a chance for people that care about you to wish you well. To hug you and congratulate you and share their own stories. And for me, it is about being able to hold up my last pitiful shred of hope that I WILL be a mother and my husband WILL be a father and we WILL finally have the family we imagined for all these years. It is my chance to actually have something real to show for this process and to have a little support, too.

My sweet husband told me that he really admired me last night. He said I was a "radical thinker". I think it is just good ol' self preservation, but I am adding it to the title anyway: "Optimistic Radical Thinker". Maybe I should have a t-shirt made...