I am finally able to give an update. It is going to be a rough post.
It all started a few weeks ago at a fun dinner with other Ethiopia bound families. We were all talking about the process and where we were at. One of the moms suggested we take a look at her agency waiting children list. We made an inquiry and took a look. We didn't see children in the sibling groups, but I did see a little boy. When I read further, he was in the age range we were approved for PLUS, he had a little sister as well. There were two hitches...the father did not bring the little sister to the orphanage and the little boy was diagnosed with a medical issue. I then proceeded to go hunting for more information and sought advice on the issue. We got reassured that it was totally treatable. We were so excited! I told the agency to place him on hold. The next step was to start moving our dossier from one agency to another. I was bummed since I love our agency, but I was willing to do it for our children.

Here is when it starts getting crazy. We got a call from our agency. The rep in ET spoke to the rep for the other agency. In their conversation, it was mentioned that the little boy had developmental issues. (He used the term "mentally retarded") It might have been something or nothing, since neither of them are doctors. Just to do due diligence, I requested the new agency send us any current medical information before we officially moved out paperwork. Plus, we asked for an update on his sister.

I think it was the next day when I realized I was having some weird things going on. I happened to have an extra pregnancy test from ages ago, so I figured I can take it and confirm that everything was ok and get the thing out of the house. Instead I was greeted with double lines...positive! I was shocked! And a little freaked out. I took a few days to figure out what to do and then contacted both agencies. One recommended to put the adoption temporarily on hold and one said we could proceed. We were faced with a MILLION questions and very few answers. More time went by and Aunt Flo still didn't arrive. I let a few people in on where we were at. I was stressed and worried. Would this one last? Would we be able to travel? Did we feel ready to go from no children to three children? After lots of prayer and encouraging words, when the pregnancy kept moving forward, we decided to release our hold on the little boy. He needed someone ready to take him home right away and there were too many questions surrounding our status. It was hard but I felt it was the right thing to do.

I had an ultrasound done to see what was going on. It showed definite activity, but still very early. I walked in the office like it was a weird alternate universe. I had been there before and couldn't believe it was happening. My OB/GYN (whom I highly recommend) told me to take my progesterone and baby aspirin so we could cover our bases. I told him that Mr. T and I were in the middle of the adoption process. He asked from where and I told him. Plus, I added that we would probably have to hold off a while. With that he shocked me. He is a very low key guy, but he got very serious and passionately said we needed to keep moving forward with the adoption. He said if that was the path we chose, then we shouldn't let the pregnancy stop it. "What about travel?" I asked. "Diseases? Food?" His response was that he just had a pregnant patient travel on a mission trip to Africa and she did great. He even knew what malaria medication he would advice. Besides, there are pregnant women in Ethiopia too. I was RELIEVED! I didn't want one blessing to take away another blessing. I can honestly say I am looking forward to my children regardless of how they join our family. I started to let down my guard and allowed myself to start getting excited again instead of scared.

That was this morning.

This afternoon, I went back to the doctor. I needed to get more blood work and to get results from the last visit to see how the levels were. I just had a promising round of dry heaves on the way over so I was optimistic. Blood work went flawless, which is rare for me.(I am a really tough stick) Then I went in for the doctor to see me. He let me know right away that my quant level came back at 11.

For the uninitiated, quant levels practically double daily during the early weeks of pregnancy. I am at 6 weeks right now and my numbers should be between 1,080 - 56,500 mIU/ml.

Much higher than 11.

So that's it. No pregnancy. Which means I am 3 for 3. My doctor made a call to an endocrinologist for a referral. We already did a bunch of tests to rule out various recurrent miscarriage causes after the second loss. Everything came back normal. So I am a bit of a medical mystery right now.

So we are back where we started. Waiting, waiting, waiting. But with some added heartache thrown in. I am sad. Though a pregnancy makes things complicated, children are a gift no matter how they come to you. And each loss is a real loss. I cried a great deal this afternoon. I spent a bit of time being mad. It all just feels so unjust. Having children seems like the easiest thing in the world to do. Some people do it by accident. Not so much for us. And somewhere all the way on the other side of the world are parents that love their children and are forced to leave them, by disease, by extreme poverty, by death.

Thank you to everyone that offered prayers and sent good thoughts our way. It really means a great deal to know that people are on our side! I don't know why this all needed to happen. But I did learn some things to pass along:

1) Be careful when saying things like, "Just wait...now that you're adopting you'll get pregnant." You might make someone cry.

2) Don't waste your energy on stupid things, especially those things that are within your control to change. In this life, there are people going through some really painful and heartbreaking things that seem to happen. Things that seem so unfair. And there are people going through painful things that can be stopped. Find the Serenity Prayer, say it, and get it in your head.