Ok, I've stayed pretty quiet about this topic, but I must vent. I read another entry on a blog regarding adoption issues. The author was voicing their opinion on various adoption topics, including her distaste of people comparing it to pregnancy. The tone of the entry (to me at least) was a sense of the ills of adoptive moms trying to justify their role. It shouldn't be about the mom to begin with but all about the child and how the child feels and if an adoptive parent can't handle that then they shouldn't adopt.

I read articles like this is various forms from various people involved in the adoption process. Birth moms, adoptive mothers, adoptees...you name it, there are strong opinions. Which is understandable. After all, these are emotionally charged issues.

Adoption is a process born of loss. Parents lose children, children lose parents, adults lose dreams. It is quite sad and painful. What is inspiring is how people take horrible situations and make something good out of it. The most wonderful thing about the human existence is our ability to persevere in the face of trauma and hopelessness. Who wouldn't support that, right?

Well, the thing is adoption goes against many people's mental models. Mental models are what a person pictures things ought to be. They are born from years of experience and how you view the world. Mental models are not necessarily bad, mind you. In fact, they are part of how we function in the world. Humans are built to categorize things. It is how our brains work. It is how we can tell a schnauzer, a chihuahua, and a Great Dane are all dogs even though they look completely different. It is how we make short-cuts to the information we get from our environment so we know what to pay attention to and what to tune out. Mental models help us figure out when we need to "fight or flight". The trouble is sometimes our mental models are incorrect and we are faced with a situation where we need to adjust them. Since these models can be so ingrained in our psyche, it is difficult to change them. In fact, it can be downright uncomfortable. So people, when faced with a situation that challenges a mental model, will push back...even attack. They will say cruel things and act poorly. They will be hurtful to other people that just don't fit in the image of how things "ought" to be. But different groups have different mental models! That means different definitions of what ought to be.

People also go through a specific process when trying to change a mental model. We try to see the similarities first and then we can accept the differences. For example, many people honestly feel that racial acceptance is being "color blind". How many people say, "I don't see color."  I think that is good that person is trying, but it is misguided. Because my DH and I aren't color blind. I am well aware of the fact that he is a blond, blue-eyed White guy and I am a curly-haired, dark eyed Black woman. It isn't a secret. The trick is that we LIKE that we are different. I like his skin color and his hair and he likes mine. He isn't trying to find ways that I am just like a White person, because I'm not. I'm me and he digs that. 

When you say the word "family", the mental model many people have is one mother, one father, and some sibling. One may have up to four grandparents and unlimited cousins, aunt and uncles. Can you see how that model doesn't fit most of the world? What about stepparents? Grandparents that raise children? Surrogacy? And, of course, where does adoption fit in? 

It seems easy to fix if people would just change the mental model. It is hard though and takes time. In the meantime,  it can hurt people and be detrimental to a person's self esteem. Because if you are outside of a person's mental model, unfortunately they will tell you about it. And then we react in order to stand up for ourselves and make ourselves feel better. We attempt to justify our existence and our right to be.

I am not a child psychologist so please don't bother to email me and tell me I have no education on this topic and therefor know nothing. Just from my experience with people of different ages (and myself having once been a child) some topics are complex for children, but we figure it out. What you grow up with you think is normal (which isn't always healthy, but that is another post) In my family, we have quite a few children born to couples that are not married. I remember in middle school telling a friend that parents didn't have to be married to have a baby (which I knew was a fact thought I was not very clear on the mechanics of the subject). She was just so confused about how it was even possible to have a baby without being married. As far as she knew, marriage was how babies got created and it was a prerequisite. I hope she has it all figured out now.

I grew up when the divorce rate in our country started climbing. Soon, people had multiple sets of parents. I remember people worrying about how to explain this to the kids. And look at us today. It is hard to find families NOT affected by divorce. The point I am making is the mental models of adults certainly affects the mental models of children. It isn't the only thing, true, but it does make a difference.

I get really aggravated when I read things that the adoptive mothers feelings do not matter. Of course they matter! How a mother feels about herself impacts how she raises her children. That doesn't mean that adoptive mothers are "better" than biological mothers. Nor does it mean that biological mothers are the heroes to the adoptive mother villain. Can't we all just be mothers?

We don't have to be "mama-blind" and pretend that we all have the same experience, but we can just be different and leave it at that. The categorization creates the problem. I read somewhere that it is interesting that society is ok with two unrelated people marrying and becoming a family but gets hung up with the same thing happening with parents and children. It is interesting that one can have more than one sister and you don't feel the need to quantify your love for each one or explain your relationship with them. They are your sisters. Why can't it be the same for both mothers?

In the collective mental model of our society, I guess mothers are like the Highlander...there can be only one. And people act on that. It is hard when people gush over our pregnant sistas and then awkwardly ask how our thing is coming along. It is embarrassing to have to explain that you are not a nanny and the children that look differently from you are indeed your children. And that will affect how our children feel about themselves and that is unfair.

I met a woman who shared a story from her childhood. Her parents gave birth to her later in life. It was during an era that preceded fertility treatments and it was rare to see parents giving birth in their 40s. Being older than most new parents made her mom self-conscious especially when people would ask her if her daughter was actually her granddaughter. My friend, as a little girl, did not understand her mother's feelings. She thought the feeling of shame was because of her. Therefore, she grew up with a deep feeling of shame which she could never place. Her mother never said or did anything negative and adored her with all her heart. Her feelings about how people looked at her eventually transfered to her daughter.

We will be honest and talk openly about the country they were born in. I plan to call our children's biological mother their mother (or some form there of depending on how confused I get!) because that's who she is, and so am I. If you had asked me months ago when we first discussed adoption, I wouldn't have felt the same. I will admit, I had my own mental model about adoption. Being on this side of those adoption discussions changed my view. Challenge yourself to look at your mental models about family and dissect them.