I think I am in shock. Seriously, I feel like I am drifting in and out throughout the day. I know there are a million things I need to be doing right now. Of course, one of those things is working but obviously that is not a priority for me. How the heck am I supposed to focus on being productive right now?

I am not sure if I am just feeling overwhelmed or if I am just really, really tired. Maybe I am a little of both. I just cannot seem to get started on things. Where is my energy? Where is my pep? I need to be pouring over lists and checking things off and making a 5 week project plan to get ready and all I do is stare blankly at my computer. I do have enough frame of mind to send myself an email of information, but I have yet to actually go back and read anything. I even bring stuff to the theater to work on during my massive amounts of off-stage time, but usually I just end up wandering around or staring at a page in a book.

Hence my theory that I am in shock. We've dealt with frustration and heartbreak and having to defend our family to strangers (and some people we know) who might not completely agree with adoption or having children at all. Even now, when people say things like, "Two?! You have no idea what you are getting into! What are you going to do?" and my favorite, "You aren't coming back to work are you? You won't be able to with two children!"...I don't even comment with one of my famous snarky comments. I just smile sweetly and shrug until the offending person walks away. (For the record, I have snarky responses for both those comments. Like "Well, most people having children for the first time don't know what they are getting into. But surprisingly, people still manage to have twins and even triplets and seem to survive the whole ordeal."  Or something like, "Well, there was a rumor that banks were going to start accepting sparkling personalities and winning smiles as mortgage payments, but since it hasn't passed with the Fed yet, I guess I'll have to keep working for at least a little longer.")

Instead of focusing on the details of getting ready, I find myself daydreaming about philosophical concepts a lot. Lately, I've been grappling with the nature of love and friendship in human relationships. Why do we love who we love? What makes a friend a friend? How will it feel to love these two little people more deeply and in a completely different way than anyone before? What will this new relationship do the all the ones I've had before?

Pretty heavy stuff, right? It is starting to get on my nerves. I probably need to do some serious journaling or write a play or something to get all of these thoughts out of my head so I can go on with getting stuff done. As interesting as these random musings might be, I really need to buy bottles and one-sies. Philosophy won't help me when I am up against a dirty diaper.